


Changes

by LokianaWinchester



Series: Jesus Christ Superstar [25]
Category: Jesus Christ Superstar - All Media Types
Genre: Applicable to all JCS versions, Both of them, Confessions of love, Hugs, Hurt/Comfort, Idiots in Love, Literally no specifics at all, M/M, Oblivious, POV Jesus, a very small mention of explicit content, bit of angst, they're so dumb, ummhhhh what else to say?
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-10-03
Updated: 2018-10-03
Packaged: 2019-07-24 20:17:11
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,615
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16182413
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LokianaWinchester/pseuds/LokianaWinchester
Summary: “I’m talking about who you pretend to be. The people might believe you’re the son of God,” his next words were hushed “even your other friends might believe it, but you can’t fool me. You’re as human as any of them. I know it. I know you.” The last sentence was so intense that Jesus was tempted to take a step backwards. But he stood his ground.“No. No, Judas. You don’t know me. How would you know me?”





	Changes

**Author's Note:**

> Sup babes, please enjoy!!

Jesus had noticed the change in Judas’ attitude in several ways. There had been a turning point from when he stood behind him, no questions asked, loyal and blind as any of them, to the way he was now, cynic, unsatisfied with what Jesus had to offer. Judas had questions on his mind and on his tongue; questions that hurt Jesus if only through the fact that he was asking at all and sparking something in him that only Judas could these days. Admiration for not letting others get him down, for not running with the crowd. An admiration that directly fuelled the love Jesus felt for Judas.

He was certain it was not reciprocated, for they had been closer once. When Judas had been in awe of him, when the imbalance of power had been more severe and Jesus had stood clearly above Judas; before Judas had picked himself up and risen to challenge him. Before the change had happened, Jesus had been closer to Judas, ever aware that this closeness was not real; a mere simulation of what they could have if they saw eye to eye.

Now that they did see eye to eye, there was no more of that closeness. Judas’ awareness had driven a wedge between them.

There was this intellectual aspect of change, then there was the emotional one. Jesus had dreamed of telling Judas one day; confessing how much he wanted him close, needed him. How much he loved him. But with the barrier of different opinions and worldviews, it seemed impossible now. Sometimes he thought there was still a glimmer of understanding in Judas’ eyes, a spark of yearning for easier communication.

And lastly there was the physical aspect. Jesus had hoped – prayed – that nothing would change. There had been tension between the two of them, a sort of attraction that came with the sharing of everything they had. Sharing food, money, sometimes clothes had led to the sharing of a bed eventually. When the tension had snapped and Judas had kissed him that first time, Jesus had hoped and believed that there were feelings involved.

But it turned out there were no feelings on Judas’ part and Jesus was left yearning for more, wanting more than the purely physical pleasure.

When Judas changed, sex was the thing that stayed the same, or so Jesus thought. But Judas became even less emotional, his motions felt automated, without passion, his grips were rougher, leaving bruises and when he left, Jesus clenched his teeth so as not to start crying.

Judas was never too much, never unwanted; the part that really hurt him was that Judas was leaving.

But Jesus soldiered on; preaching, as if he was a better man than he was, praying for forgiveness, for mercy in this cruel game that seemed like it was not his to play.

Judas’ critiques became harsher and Jesus felt his resolve curl in on itself like a wounded animal even while his temper was driving him to snap at Judas and become increasingly aggressive.

“You can’t continue like this, Jesus.” Judas’ eyes were cold and Jesus wished he did not have to look at him at all, but if he averted his eyes he would already have lost this argument. Judas was testing him.

“Like what? You’re always going on about how I’m doing this wrong and how that could be done more clever but you never do more than complain.” He had had it. Jesus’ temper and Judas’ words combined had finally worn down his resolve to keep quiet, to hold himself back.

Judas looked more surprised than Jesus would have expected. He cocked his head to the side and if Jesus had not watched his face so intently, he would have missed the shadow of a smile that appeared on Judas’ lips for just a split second; Judas enjoyed the challenge. But it was there and just like this Jesus’ heart skipped a beat.

“I’m talking about who you pretend to be. The people might believe you’re the son of God,” his next words were hushed “even your other friends might believe it, but you can’t fool me. You’re as human as any of them. I know it. I know _you_.” The last sentence was so intense that Jesus was tempted to take a step backwards. But he stood his ground.

“No. No, Judas. You don’t know me. How would you know me?”

Judas was quiet for a moment. His eyes focussed on something behind Jesus.

“I spend so much time with you. I know… I’m aware that it seems like I just fight you all the time. But I don’t wanna do that.”

“Really?” Jesus asked sarcastically.

“Really. I wish we had something we could agree on. And we do. I know you’re a good person but like any human, you have faults and my problem is not that you have them but that you pretend to be perfect.”

Instead of stepping back like he had wanted earlier, Jesus took a step towards Judas.

“I never said that. It’s all them. But they need the hope. They need something to believe in. You know times are hard, and I’m trying to make things better. If I succeed, even like this, it’s a win. I’m sorry that you can’t see that.”

Judas opened his mouth, closed it and when he finally spoke up, his voice was more vulnerable than Jesus could remember it ever having been.

“I… That makes sense. I never looked at it like this. But I don’t like your lying, it’s wrong. And it’s not like you at all. The things you teach, they’re about honesty and selflessness. Not this.”

“But what if I’m not lying?”

“You are. I know you are!”

“Why do you think you know everything about me? All you do is oppose me. Is that it? Do you think I’m lying simply because you need to just go against me?”

“No. No, see what you’re doing, your reactions are too human, I refuse to believe anything else.”

“But I don’t,” Jesus spat. “I don’t even know what to think of myself and there you go making me feel just as bad about myself as all the others do. Everybody else. I don’t know if you still feel as if you’re something special, but you’re not. You’re just like them,” he hissed. Judas’ eyes narrowed.

“I’m not. And I know you. I know you better than you do. I know you’re lying and as much as I wish I was saying this just to spite you, I’m not!”

“Then why?” Jesus asked. He hoped the desperation, the anger, the witless hope he was still harbouring were not obvious in his expression. “Why do you keep insisting that you know me better than I know myself?”

“Because I love you.”

Judas took a step back immediately, closed his eyes.

“What?” Jesus mouthed. He was not sure if any sound left his lips. The blood rushing in his ears made him dizzy.

“Shit. Jesus, I’m… I mean… like everybody else. They love you. So do I,” Judas stuttered. His voice was shaking. It was obvious he was lying.

“No,” Jesus uttered, stronger this time. He closed the distance between them again, reached out a hand to take Judas’.

“I’m sorry,” Judas said. He was not meeting Jesus’ eyes.

“For what?”

“That I said that. You don’t feel that way. It’s okay.”

“But –” Jesus started, but Judas cut him off.

“No let me finish. That’s my point. Now that it’s out I can as well make it. I… love you. And I feel like I do so more than you do. Love yourself I mean. I’m not saying I know all of you, or about you. But I know you’re human.”

Jesus swallowed. He felt Judas’ fingers tremble between his own.

“Okay.” He managed eventually. “I get it.”

Judas still looked off into the distance, somewhere behind Jesus.

“I’m sorry too,” he continued. “I shouldn’t have thought you would mindlessly fight with me just for the sake of it. I feel so stupid because,” he hesitated for a long moment before he raised his other hand and gently cupped Judas’ cheek, turning his head so Judas looked at him. “Because your love made you see me. But mine just made me blind.”

Judas remained quiet. But his eyes widened.

“Really?” he asked.

Jesus nodded. No second later, Judas pulled him close, into a crushing hug. Jesus felt light, as if he would float away if Judas did not hold him. The arms around him grounded him, made this real, and finally Jesus let himself be weak. A tear rolled down his cheek, then another, and another. Eventually Judas pulled back.

“No. Shit. Don’t cry, please,” he whispered and wiped away the tears. “Don’t cry. I’m sorry. I’m sorry, I don’t know what else to say. I didn’t know. I was so insecure; why would you love me? Why would you still love me after I fought you on every decision and dismissed you and… I’m so sorry.”

“I know you are,” Jesus pressed out between poorly suppressed sobs. Judas pulled him close again.

“You’re too good,” he whispered against Jesus’ neck, before pressing a kiss there. “How could you think I couldn’t love you?”

Jesus sobbed and tightened his arms around Judas’ chest.

Somehow his wishes had been granted, somehow Judas loved him. And even though he knew it would not change anything about their respective opinions, he was certain that their arguments would be less harsh in the future; they were both ever-changing, evolving as long as they lived. Now they would change together.

**Author's Note:**

> Yoo! Thanks for reading <3 Uhhhh, lemme know if yall want like a second chapter... smutty or not. I'd be down for it either way if I knew it was something you want. And as always any feedback, comments and/or kudos are very much appreciated <3
> 
> Also Yey @ me for writing 25 J/J fics! That's a quarter of the way to 100! Can't wait to see what's to come!


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